I had my doubts sadly. My first two dolls were experiments to be sure and both ended within weeks. A virgin at 27 and not for lack of desire was my lot. Virgin by choice mind you, at this point in my life I had turned down more than half a dozen women’s direct advances. Took some anger from them for it too. But I was interested in only one girl and only on my wedding night.

All of that idealism is great but doesn’t do much when you can do little but check out every attractive girl’s hips the moment she comes into view. It was getting to be a problem for me, the distraction of endlessly self-denying. And along with my idealism came the counter-argument of how lame I would be in bed on my wedding night. Not exactly a good wedding gift for my bride. So, what to do?

I had those simple rubber vaginas from the adult stores but was less than pleased with them. They did “simulate” sex better than my hand but it needed lube and cleaning and more privacy. On top of all that it was less satisfying then the hand and yet made me get off in seconds. I confided all this in my counselor and it was her suggestion that I first look into a love doll. I knew very little about them or what size or version would help me best. I foolishly chose a very expensive one in an odd middle size (145cm) and loose joints.  I guess foolishly was a little harsh. I was very excited during the ordering process and the shipping time. I checked on her every day. I even got her some lingerie. Then the big day came and I had her in my dorm room laying on my bed.

I hadn’t gotten off in weeks while waiting for her and was eager to see what it would be like. She had a removable vagina and that is where the trouble began. It looked ridicules in her and my desire began to falter. To make things worse the site I had ordered from suggested new doll owners get loose joints rather than stiff. This made her a limp lump of nothing. Capable of doing nothing but laying on her back. A big disappointment when doggy-style is the sex position that excites me the most this side of losing my virginity.

So, weird vagina, can’t do anything but be a limp blob, cost my life savings, and to top it off her breasts were hard as a rock and breasts being my favorite sexual feature of women. I was crushed. In the middle of all this, I was trying to go back to college after pulling out because of severe depression issues. The sex doll made it all worse. Mercifully, she came with two replacement vagina inserts and I had not opened one. This allowed me list her for sale as unused.

I lost about $500 dollars but sold her quickly. There was some relief at dodging a big financial bullet but that quickly faded back into my severally stressed sexually agitated state again. Not only had the doll not helped, she made my desire even stronger for real sex.

Several months later a thought popped up in my mind. Maybe I had just gotten the wrong type of sex doll and the idea itself was still a good one. This prodded me for weeks and I found myself looking up more doll sites and shopping for more realistically sized ones. The first one was impossible to buy clothes for as she adult shape in youth size.

I had also done more research and found that stiff joints are standard and loose was an odd thing for the other site to suggest for a new user. So, driven on by my unyielding sexual energy I spent another 2K on a 2^nd doll. This one was over 5 feet tall, good size breasts, and stiff joints. Same as before I was so excited during the process, got her new clothes, and watched her tracking daily. On my birthday she came.

Up in my room, my heart pounded as I unboxed her. The first prick of doubt at my choice came when one of her legs had a loose joint. I got a free separate head from the site for the error but it didn’t change what I had. On top of that problem, this doll was over 90lbs and even being young and fit, it was hard awkward work to move her around. Her problems didn’t stop there. Being so heavy she collapsed her own stiff joints and still could not be posed in any exciting sex position. She wouldn’t even stand up because of her one loose knee. She did have a fixed vagina that looked good and the few times I did use her, it didn’t fold in on itself like the insert would on my first doll. Yet to my dismay, it was a lifeless experience. She was again just a lump lying on her back on my bed. Being inside her felt no different than my $50 sex sleeve.

She was back in her box as fast as I could re-pack her. I was done, this was stupid. I put her up on the same site as my first doll. I sold her but lost another $700.  After that, I told myself my doll experiment was over. They made me feel dirty and were not the answer.

Confession time. When I go a very long time without a sexual release, my memory seems to be affected. So, about a year later, after several months of abstaining from any sexual release, I was looking at the doll sites again. The same doubt was in my mind again. Maybe it was the type of doll that made it unpleasant. There were still the mini ones. They would be easy to hide, easy to move around, and would hold poses well. But then there was the money question. My depression had kept me jobless and I could not be blowing anymore of my savings. 

Then I got an email from one of the doll sites about a free doll promotion. I emailed and asked if I could do anything to increase my chances of winning. I mentioned I was a writer and had written several erotica stories in the past. Writing erotica was what I did to try and burn off some of my passion.  To my surprise, one company was willing to let me write some large stories for them, plus some site work, in exchange for a doll. This was the answer I thought. The doll would be free, and I would have spent a lot of emotional effort to get her. I would have a connection to her from the start. She wouldn’t be just a lump in a box. She would be a character I created. 

I sent off a story I had already written to the site’s manager and he loved it. I then wrote another story specifically with sex dolls in them. This is the story where I created Fawn, the mini doll I was helping to make. I mixed in some fantasy magic and really aggressive powerful sex that I often fantasized about. He loved it even more than the first one. All it would take is one more story and he’d agree to send me a free doll. The free doll was also going to be one I helped design; a new mini with the great curves of some of the larger dolls.  At first, it was going great, I even saw some clay mock-ups of Fawn and she looked fantastic. My 3^rd story was coming along too. Then disaster, as that project got canceled.

Months pasts but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She was the best chance I had to get out of my painful sexual frustration, keep my sexual purity, and not be useless on my wedding night. The cancelation of that project was so angering and depressing I couldn’t write anymore, on anything. Her story and everything else I was working on sat idle. I had joyfully pictured her sitting on my lap while I wrote, being a source of inspiration and distraction when I needed a break. Now, I faced the reality of having to try to write again, not only without my hoped-for companion but now with the constant feeling that she had been stolen from me.  My sexual frustration got worse, as did my depression at not being able to write; the one thing I used to be able to do in spite of my depression. 

In an act of desperation, I found the cheapest and smallest doll that was still on the market and bought her. She was still 140cm tall, and over 50lbs. I tried with all my might to imagine she was Fawn, I tried to tell myself that she would grow to become my friend, that the connection would happen if I was patient.  I tried for several weeks but all the negatives of my other sex dolls were still present in her. She was too heavy to pose well, too large to hide in a normal looking storage bin, and she never came alive.  I sold her too after 3 weeks. That was two weeks ago as I write this story.

You may think that this is the end. That sex dolls are nothing but trouble and you will have all sorts of problems. But realize this, I’m writing again and have no doll. So, what has changed? Have I given up on getting that friend to help me through this season of isolation? For me, getting a sex doll has always been about improving myself for that real woman I pray God will lead to me. Granted, without a doll I cannot improve any sexual performance but I can practice something else, something more important. Perseverance. To imagine any real relationship will not go through periods of coldness or distance is foolishness. And to give up during those times will guarantee the seasons of love and passion will never return.  I have not given up on getting Fawn. I imagine she is still waiting for me and if I endure she will eventually become a reality. Just like the real relationship that is the ultimate goal in all of this.

So, this is me enduring for both the little friend I hope to get and for the woman I will spend forever with. I JUST BOUGHT A NEW SEX DOLL!